Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I want you to want me

I want to first off say thank you for all the kind words this morning on my twitter! They helped brighten my day completely and thank you so so so so much to Nikki for staying awake with me from 2 am until 4 am chatting about life! I absolutely loved it! 

If you follow me on twitter you may have seen my post, "Wow hose going to be the first person to call me Kim Kardashian #marriagenotlasting90days"

I didn't want to speak to anyone in my family about the marital problems that have come about since I have only been married 2 months!

my dad always said if you want to ruin a perfect relationship, get married. 

While I do not believe that whatsoever. My mind has been changing in a drastic form lately. 7 year itch happening a little too early. 

i have moved back to Seattle for an extended period of time to get my head on straight as I can not seem to focus on my marriage and why in the hell I got married. for love?

Please make me feel like I am not the only one out there that is struggling with these types of things, but every little thing my husband does. ANNOYS ME!

I may sound like a nit picking little biznatch right now...but no joke

"Brandon you are brushing your teeth wrong"
"Brandon quit breathing so heavy" or at all
"Brandon why can't you put the dishes in the dishwasher"
"Brandon why don't you want me"

Maybe because you're being an annoying controlling little pissant?

That's what I thought.

I have been so nit picky but I cannot get it under control to where now it is affecting the bedroom life.

or bedroom death in my case. 

There is no magic happening. Ever. At all. I want to die. 

I have this overwhelming feeling that my husband doesn't want me in the way I want to be wanted

Does that make sense?  

I want passion, I want a man who comes home from being a lumberjack swings me over his shoulder, stomps his way into the bedroom, then....

ok I will not give you the details, but those details are not happening.

As I am re-reading this I want to delete everything but I won't and will ask opinions. I am constantly on Brandon's ass about everything, but there is no stopping it. I wake up in the morning saying I am going to be nice and not let little things bother me. They do. 

The more frustrated and angry I get, the more my yatch does not get.

yatch=...c'mon do I have to say it? 

I have had a complete dry spell for...more than 10 days lets say. Possibly 15

{gasp}

We can't stop arguing and I had even told Brandon I wanted an annulment.

Yes. This is actually how serious this is and I had to get out of my own head before I made a rash decision. 

I did print and save the papers, but no ink to them!

What is going on?! Is this what happens to newlyweds? You get comfortable with the person and everything else goes to sh!t cause you are now tied to them for life? I don't get it. I don't know why this relationship seems to be ripping at the seams but yet I am the puppeteer of it all. 

Think I could be bi-polar?


Marriage is tough and I mainly think anyone else reading this that can relate, now you know you are not alone!

I just want you to want me.


21 comments:

Kristine said...

:( I'm so sorry to hear you are having marital problems, darling. I may not be married, but I know exactly how you are feeling what with being on his ass about everything. I'm the same exact way with my BF lately.
All I gotta say is, listen to your heart. It knows what it wants even if you don't want to believe it.
Love you girlfriend... you know my number if you wanna talk or vent or just cry or whatever. And if you wanna meet up, you let me know! :)

Nikki said...

Love you girl! Always here for you you know that!

Ash said...

oh honey.. big hug to you!! you have NO IDEA how hard it was the first two years of our marriage (and hello, um we JUST hit the 2 yr anniversary mark)- we just spent the summer in couples counseling because, well, i wasn't feeling like my husband CARED about being married... like, hello! this marriage is a THING- our relationship is a THING, but now we are married... and this requires work.

i think it's just scary, because we have ALL these thoughts about how we think marriage is supposed to look like- but we don't realize how HARD it is to MAKE our marriage look like that.

i never moved out, but there were SO MANY times where we both were like "fuck this and fuck you, let's get divorced". it was bad. (i can't even believe i'm admitting to how bad it was.. but shit, i'm about being honest. so theres the honest truth)


and no, i don't think you are bi-polar. i think you are a woman. and we women want what we want, when we fucking want it.

i think our relationship started to change when i stopped putting so much pressure on "us". there's a reason we got together, and a reason we got married.. neither one of us were FORCED into this. and i think i just had to learn to let go of what i thought our relationship, our marriage, SHOULD BE. and just start accepting it for what it is..


honestly, reply back fool. and we can talk ALLLLLLLL DAMN DAY. promise.

xo

Jess @ Pretty Physicist said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I've been married for 5 1/2 years. In no way has it always been easy. We go through spells where we aren't "active" in the bedroom (at this point it's been since 2 weeks before my surgery), but we get through it. I am not any kind of a marriage expert, but I'm always here if you want to talk. I'll be thinking about you.

Jamie said...

Sending positive thoughts your way. You'll get through this if you want to but sometimes its ok to say, "enough" too. Hang in there.

Jamie said...

My Mom told me a couple years ago to just "jump his bones". That was one of the more disturbing moments of my life but still.

AllyValdez said...

I got married a little over 5 months ago. I love my husband and he is wonderful, but we have our days. Getting married literally changes every aspect of you life and you don't realize it until all is said and done. Just try to remember why you decided to marry him.

My heart goes out to you!

xoxo
ally

Cate said...

oh Taylor...my heart hurts for you. I really hope you find the strength to either move on or fix this. I kind of know what you're going through on a slightly different level (I left my ex-fiance' last year) but every situation is different.

Regardless of what you want to do/what you feel/how he feels, you both owe it to one another to talk about things. Lay everything on the table. It might get ugly, but honesty is the best policy for a situation like this.

Email me if you want! You know I'm all ears!

Praying for you, girl!

Annabelle said...

Ash said it! Marriage is hard and it's a lot of work! Time away is good. I try to take a girls trip at least once a year just to get away and not have to worry or deal with Hubby or kid. It's not being selfish, it's about keeping my sanity! I've been married for 6 years and there are times when I say "eff it, I'm done." I love him and that keeps me from giving up.

Let's be real here. I am a nagging wife. I have expectations of him as a husband and as a father. I get pissed when I feel like he hasn't done his part. We try to look at it as a 50/50 deal. We've always been that way and it seems to work for us. For example, if I cook, he does the dishes. If he cooks, I do the dishes.
My advice to you is to think about all the reasons you love him and why you married him.

Don't give up unless you don't think it's worth it being there.

Girl, you know I'm here to talk about it! We're good at passing emails to a fro! ;) Keep your chin up sweetcheeks!

K said...

I went through this when we got engaged. Seriously, everything he did annoyed me. I hated the way he sneezed and did he just do that to annoy the hell out of me? It was hard. I think for me it was more of feeling stuck and being afraid that it would all fall apart. I'm good at that. Destroying things before they destroy me. Healthy, I know. When did this all start? I wonder if it got worse when you left work? I know that when Hubby was out of work for awhile he hated everything I did too. Purely because I was just there to hate on.

Kenzie Smith said...

I'm so sorry to hear things aren't unicorns and rainbows right now (please tell me that made you smile, even just a little bit!). Relationships are just hard; that is the best I can come up with. John and I have had a couple crazy fights and just wanted to strangle each other.. and we have had our dry spells too (as much as I don't want to admit it haha), but you work things out. No sex makes me one cranky biatch, I've so been there. & It's so normal for this to happen! Like Ash said, you have to accept marriage for what it is and not that fairytale crap you see on Disney. I'm sure this is just a bump in the road for you guys and you will come out of it stronger than ever.

If you ever need a girls night and are in the area, let me know! I'm always here if you need anything.

Tickled Pink said...

Girl, I can totally relate to this post. Saying I went a little crazy after my wedding is an understatement. I was so mean and critical to Nick. I also told him I wanted a divorce and kicked him out of the house. For no reason. Just I was annoyed. Then I got Prozac and I simmered down. I think my hormones were crazy and all of the sudden I didn't have my big wedding to plan and organize so I felt lost. I knew I would never really leave him or divorce him but I was feeling hurtful and mean. Know I'm thinking of you during this time. :) XXOO You'll get through it!

Carly Ann said...

:( I'm sure this was a really hard post for you to write. But I think that this may be a problem for a LOT of couples, they just don't talk abotu it... all you hear about being newlyweds are the hearts and flowers and all that jazz. I think a relationship is something that you have to work at every single day. Maybe you guys should look into going to counseling and see if you get anywhere with that? I've known a few couples who have been on the brink of letting their relationships fall apart and counseling has helped them figure things out without it turning into a huge argument everytime something is brought up.

I do hope things get better for you and you can figure out what will be best for you in the long run!

Sheryl said...

oh my goodness boo!!! I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Marriage is rough. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest - and they aren't kidding. I can't tell you how many times the D word came out of my mouth in our first year. Now we've been married just over 3 years. We still have our bad days but we can get through it. Recently we had a spat and I immediately ran out and bought those self marriage help books. 2 days later we were back to normal, and $50 broke.

I'm here for ya if you want to talk!

Casey said...

I just tweeted you, but wanted to reach out to you here too. I am so very sorry you're going through this, and I can't imagine how difficult this post must have been to write. Thinking of you, girl!

Amy Lynn said...

You're not bipolar. I know this feeling and you know I know this feeling. As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm hiding. Hiding from the fact that I cannot stand the way he talks right now. He just go home and I wanted to be like "do you talk that loud and act that obnoxious to piss me off?" in addition to the "are you too freaking stupid to clean up after yourself?". He positively drives me nuts. Keep your chin up. Call me or text me whenever, I'm always here. Wizcansin - Over and Out -

Amy W. said...

Tay!

Hey ol' friend! missed u terribly.

I wanna say, yatch- does this mean "Nancy?" hmmm....

sometimes we marry for different reasons, you shouldnt be ashamed or feel like you have failed.

just always follow ur HEART girl.

u heart will lead u the way.

keep in touch. i got a new num. so email me.

xox

Jen said...

I know exactly how you feel. The only reason my marriage made it to the 2 year mark was because he was deployed for the 1st year of it. 15 days....try 7 month dry spell. Every single thing he did drove me beyond nuts. The fact that he didn't want me made it much worse. I kept brining my problems to the table and explaining what i needed to change in order for our marriage to work and he kept saying he wanted to change them but never would. Our divorce will be finalized the 15th of November and honestly all though I feel like a failure I know its not my fault and I know I did everything I could to make it work. So best of luck to you and know that you are not the only one going through something like this and you seem like such a strong woman so everything will work out for the best!!

Megan said...

Oh Taylor, I am so sorry :( When I read your tweets my heart hurt for you!

I know you said you had your fairytale/dream wedding but I also know that you went into this marriage with a heart full of love. It is sad that you have made such an effort and your husband hasn't. Marriage is def not easy and some people have to work harder then others.

IDK if you are a Sex and the city fan but one of my favorite parts in the 1st movie is when Charlotte says "I am happy everyday, maybe not all day, but everyday" when she was talking about being married to Harry. I feel that is the way not only marriage should be, but life should be.

You deserve to be happy and LOVED the way YOU want to be loved! Hugs to you girl!!! :)

Leah said...

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage not working out, and I have a suggestion for you - could your mood swings and feeling of being 'bi-polar' have something to do with going off of your birth control? That is a normal reaction, especially if you have been on it for so long. I'm definitely not a doctor or anything, but I'd suggest to talk to your own doctor about that and maybe even try going back on it to see if you feel differently. It also might be too late for that, but I have heard so many stories of the exact same thing happening to women - going on/off BC and having a strong emotional reaction to the rising or falling estrogen levels and their lives almost falling apart from it and even going into a period of depressions.

Anyways, that was just my two cents from a stranger. Good luck in the future.

Bethany Scruggs said...

Ok - listen - I haven't been blogging or reading blogs for a month. I just jumped back on today and am trying to catch up. I feel for you girl and we DEF need to have an email chat ASAP before these girls think I am a total bitch. You know I look at both sides of the story - always. I totally understand the 'everything my husband does annoys me' thing - I HATE the way Shawn drinks.. it's like he freaking fills his mouth as full as it will get and then gulps it.. which you can hear in a different room. WTF - why can't you sip and swallow like everyone else? BUT - the 'I want you to want me' thing goes both ways sweety.. don't you think he is thinking the same thing? Like, "Damn.. Taylor fecking hates everything I do.." Ya know? Email me!! I LOVE YOU.