Friday, December 21, 2012

A case of the mean reds

Everyone knows what getting the blues are

You're sad, you're getting fat, it's raining, you're just pathetic in general and everyone else around you knows it so why are you even taking up space in this world and sucking oxygen from other people that need it...

ok that was harsh. 

The mean reds from the lovely Miss Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) talking to the every so sexual Paul Varjak that's V-A-R-... you would know where this is going if you have seen the movie

I have a case of the mean reds today. Since starting this new adventure in life I was thinking that my magical unicorn that I rub everyday for good luck would bring me a huge pot of gold and I would be set for life. 

Fuck no, and I'm chopping that bitch's head off, or horn...whichever part is not granting my magical wishes.

Or in my case the mean reds is more like a crime scene in my pants (NSA) I have been a ragin bitch but then a crying mess, this is the first THE FIRST womanly experience I have had in 3 years! 

Thank you Depo!

but it sucks, my insides are falling out. I cannot pound enough water!

But I want to end this as quick as possible...
Being as clean as possible!

how can you end this monstrosity??

Clean the sheets, you don't have to do it everyday like I have been, but I feel just so completely gross and my skin is 10X more oily to keep from major breakouts I wash my sheets, my skin has been so clear through this thing which is a blessing right now!

I look like a meth head normally.


Water is my savior! My aunt flow is more like giving birth to a COW!

Water has lessened that to wear maybe I look like I'm giving birth to a...goldfish?

I know they don't really give birth, just work with me

Snuggle a live animal against your stomach

I think my dogs hate me,(get over here bitch and lay on my belly!!!)  but honestly the heartbeat and warmth of their bodies, feels amazing all night!!! then I don't have to worry about those water things that stay hot. They get cold and are bound to leak. I don't want to wake up to that shit and thinking or even feel like I have been laying in piss all night.

Dogs are much more snuggly too.

Yell at strangers

Does anyone else get in that mood where you just want to deck someone in the face?!

I don't want to lose any friendships so I went to the local mall today, where everyone is a hoity toity bitch having to buy their child the best items for Christmas. 

remember I'm po' now. Nobody is getting shit from me.

So I  walk around and no one will talk to me! I don't get said hi to in any store I walk in. So me being miss. period. walk to the counter and tell that snot face teenage girl who thinks her shit don't stink how I spend all this money at this store and I don't get a greeting?! I went ape shit! I made a scene, acted like Julia Roberts Pretty Woman.

Then I went in my car and cried then went to McDonalds and got the biggest McFlurry ever.

You probably didn't learn anything from this, but these are some things to help get through those type of MEAN REDS!!!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Strange Sex

I have been out there exploring our different sex species and I am not liking what I am seeing.

What happened to men?! Is there no 'country song' guys out there? 

 your ass is hanging out of your pants, hat is on sideways and every other word out of your mouth is, "That's filthy"

You my dear are filthy. Not the way you are thinking. 

This is constant around here I think too many people have lost their jobs and then revert to acting like children.

I have been studying some sex around the world, since this girl is getting desperate and I am not afraid to admit it. I already have plans for the different places this weekend to make out with at least 1 stranger.

Why not? I'm single! 

Americans look at sex in a little taboo way. I don't think as many people open up and talk about it as they do in other countries. I visited Spain a few years ago there was 4 naked women and 4 naked men rubbing themselves with this oil...granted I am thinking lube but they are completely BUTT NAKED!!

I am 18 years old and seeing grown men's penises! 

it was awesome

I ask my Spaniard girlfriend what the commercial was...

bug spray.


But if that was ever shown in America you would have the church group people, elder moms, and just plain haters all over the media about how it is a disgrace to show the human body on TV.

Shut the fuck up.

I was a bikini barista for 2 years, I have seen all these protesters and they all look the same,  it's comical to say the least because you know all of these women probably haven't had their own picture taken in years for they are afraid of their own appearance. 

So SEX around the world

I swear I could have been the star in 50 Shades of Grey a few years ago and been a lot more X-Rated.

I love it. 

In Guam there are men who are paid, this is their job, to go around the country and have sex with virgins as Guam's law forbids virgins to get married. 

SIGN ME UP!!!! if the boys I get to deflower look like this!


In Colombia a woman can ONLY have sex with her Husband. Never a partner before or after. Then on their first time of consummating their marriage, her mother must be present in the room

Oh hey mom don't mind while I put my finger in his butt.

Oh wait. is that normal? no. well judge me then!

A man can not have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. 

-Was this seriously a problem?! Thank god my mom and I don't live in Santa Cruz cause we would be F$%^ed...

too far? 

My dream job had been found right in Liverpool, England!

You are allowed to work topless in Liverpool, England but only if you are working in a tropical fish store!

-Finding Nipple Nemo anyone?

I have a few US ones as well for the different states, if you live in any of these states, will you please do these and tell me if you get arrested

ROMBACK, Virginia

It is illegal to engage in any sexual activity with the lights on.

Where the F are you expected to give a quick handjob at when you meet a guy in a bar?


There is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances including the wedding night.

-Good thing I am huge slut!


It is illegal to have sex without a condom

-I want to know where they come up with these and how they catch people?!

You take the cake Nevada
-It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business while wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

what the fuck.

So needless to say I am thanking my lucky stars I don't live in any of these places of I would be in a world of fuck. 

well I guess I wouldn't be if I followed the laws. 

I may have to visit some of these places and just see what happens. While I sit here drinking my vodka, water, on the rocks. I am going to research all the nasty things we are not "legally" allowed to do per Washington laws. 

then do them. All. this weekend. 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Seeing the slutty side.

Rejoice rejoice! Christmas is in 8 days!! 

if we make is since the world ends on December 21.. so we will see if I am saving my money for jack shit.

I am loving LOVING my new job! I only have to deal with someone for maybe an hour then send them on their merry way either pissed off cause they are too damn stupid to figure out how to push a button, or they think I am Jesus in the second coming. 

I am less stressed out at my new job, since my manager and I have 30 second dance parties in the office when we feel a small bit of a set back or did something super awesome.

I have been working my tail off then hitting the bars to act like a slut and look for my next victim  husband.

I am sneaky though. being the broke biatch I am after all of this going through the big D and don't mean Dallas ( Channeling my inner country) I can't say I have enough money to be partying the lifestyle I was used to.

So, ladies who are broke or you just want people to pay for your drinks then leave them high and dry, this is what I do...

1st step: Dress like a fucking SLUT!!! Guys don't like "nice girls", they aren't going to buy a "nice girl" a drink, they don't want to f$%^ a "nice girl"
So look like a bad girl. slut.

Step 2:  Order a drink that looks like "a drink" I tend to order soda water with 2 wedges of lime (makes it seem more girly)

3rd Step: Act a little drunk. Not a lot we don't want to be a hooker, just a slut. Say shit like " OH MY GOD I HAVE THE BIGGEST WEDGIE EVER!!! Oh wait, I'm not wearing any panties HA HA  HA" Laugh with your mouth wide open. The suck your drink down and trip over yourself a tiny bit! TINY BIT!!

4th step: He will definitely ask "So what are you drinking?" Then you are make up some stupid shit about how you didn't like your drink and order whatever the fuck you want on their tab.

Step 5: They will probably start getting very annoying, I normally say I don't like the next drink and suck it down get 1 more out of them and tell them whatever the hell they are saying is stupid and they are immature. They call me a bitch then leave. But I got 2 drinks worth about $16 in the end.

I would just take the money but I am not that skeezy.

Another broke bitch tip

Text all of your exes telling them your back living at home, starting a new career and would love to get together. 

There has to be 1 other guy who will want to see you and feel bad for you.

They should offer to meet up for dinner then be like " well I was thinking we could hang out in my dad's basement like old times, since I am poor and going through the D" 

like I said they will feel bad for you and should offer to take you out to dinner to hear about your problems, faking it. of course.

free dinner. bam!

While you are at your elegant dinner since you have told them you haven't been treated like a princess in a really long time, if they are in a relationship tell them all the things their girlfriend is doing wrong, how she is probably a lying, cheating, liar, whore. Then announce how you would never treat them anything less than the king they are. 

This will buy you about 5 more dinners.

Save you some time actually trying to date someone new, but letting you know you still go it! 

sleeping together is optional. 

I am starting to feel out my sluttier side and I kind of like it. 

I want to give out tips on how to possibly look and act easy. 

i am definitely not condoning being easy, but playing the part and getting free shit. Ya put me down for that! 


There is going to be a meet up at Purple Wine bar on December 21st at 7:30pm!

Purple Cafe and Wine Bar
1225 4th Avenue  Seattle, WA 98101

Thank you to Kristene for putting this on! I can't wait to see all you girls! if you are going to attend and didn't get an email from Kristene let me know!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Put out the vibes get handed....nothing.

Good Morning Ladies!!!

Sheesh this feels like forever!!! Recap on what is going on over here in lovely, wet, cloudy, but beautiful Seattle! 

I have received a new job, it is going absolutely amazing and I have already made it to number 6 in sales for our company. I am very proud of that accomplishment, being as I have only been there for 2 weeks and beating others who have been there for years!!! 

Go me!!

With some mishaps with my unemployment office I finally received my check for the entire time I was off in a big huge bunch. Needless to say I have been getting by just fine, learning to live on a budget and I can say I have been truly happy without spending money.

Yes, I just said that!

With that check I gave a chunk to my father for helping me with moving back home and changing my life, then I used the rest to pay off ALL of my debt!!!

I have NO debt! None. Zero, Nada, Zip, Zilch, I owe no one!!!

It feels amazing! I have never ever done drugs, smoked pot, experimented with anything...but the feeling after paying off my entire debt would probably beat out any high I could have ever gotten! 

Alright alright, now to the vibes...

While my career life is back on track. My financial life is superbly on track, I have all of my old friends back that I left here when I moved to the sh!thole of Washington. 

on that note... You honestly do know who your true friends are when you move. I had so many people missing me when I left to the east side of Washington. I am sure it's because they felt bad I had to live over there. But, I have them all back and not 1 from Spokane has called, texted, etc. But I could care less since now I know who my true friends are. 

I truly love them!


I am back on the dating market!!!! 

I must be pretty rusty though. In all honesty I am failing miserably!!! 

Damn you pinterest!

I do my hair that will drive boys wild. 


Make up to give the sensual eyes that will make men crawl.


I quit eating to be thinner! 

We all try and put those vibes into the universe hoping we will all get something in return. I put out my charm, being sweet, being funny, lighthearted, etc.

which isn't a lie by any means, I truly am all those things. But I have my insecurities too. Every woman wants to be called beautiful, smart, sexy, nice body, great personality...

When I put out all these vibes into the universe. Or if we can make "him" the universe I receive comments that are more along the lines...

Charming= Needy

Sweet= Wants

Funny= Stupid and non-intellectual 

Lighthearted= I don't give a sh!t about anything else

I dress for men!!! I dress to make men..or A man notice...but then all they think is that I just want attention from everyone else.

NO Dammit!!! we want attention from you!! Girls don't waste their time with 1 man and being absolutely crazy over 1 guy to dress, act, or play with every other guy.

At least not me.

My vibes have to change! 

Do you play hard to get?
-maybe then you really don't care?
-But then you're playing mind games
-You're immature

Do you send sexy pics? Sexy texts?
-You're desperate
-You're easy
-Trying to get attention

Do you tell them you miss them?
-You want something
-You're boring

I am not restricting these anymore! I am going to be me, I am not waiting on 1 person I will be my loud, immature, obnoxious, goofy, smart, free willing, loving self.

I am telling myself every morning to be happy with what I have.

The new pimple that erupted last night. Adds character

Laws of attraction= Match and Vibration...

I need both!!

Do we women try to hard to make guys notice? But if we don't try do they notice? Are their too many things telling us to be one way and not be another way? 

I am a reader. I read He's Just Not That Into You a long time ago and broke up with my boyfriend cause the book said he had red flags. 

over some words!

Are we reading too much into what "Happily ever after" should look like? 

They do say though the vibes you put out into the universe is what you get back, possibly I'm being narcissistic, trying too hard to get 1 person to notice and not noticing all the others around. Small world! 

I am only going to try and do better. That is all we can do.

 I am going to be taking a new route to my blog. I am not sure where it is going to go or what I want to do but this is my restart button! 

I love all my followers and I won't let you down!