Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Dating for 16 year olds...

My baby sister who is just too gorgeous for her own good, has her first "boyfriend"

I call her to tell her about my dating life and probably sharing a little more detail than a 16 year old should know about her 21 24 year old sister, but I am an open book and I think she tunes me out anyway, since I have had a boyfriend since I was 5. 

I call this little monster and she tells me "I sort of have a boyfriend, kind of..."

You sort of have a boyfriend, kind of??

I will not judge her grammar, I will not judge her grammar.

I ask her, "Well how do you kind of have a boyfriend sort of"
fml

She replies, "Well this boy asked me to be his girlfriend in a text message but I told him I wouldn't accept it in a text and he will have to ask me in person.

Why can't my relationships be that easy?! "Don't text me dumb shit you better do it in person...and they listen!"

Ok gotta give the girl props for that...

I ask her what makes her and this guy boyfriend and girlfriend, what exactly do 16 year olds do

"Well we hold hands in between classes"

Me: "Ok well do you kiss??" 

"No, we don't kiss because we tried too and he got freaked out and didn't want too until we knew each other better"

I'm such a slut.

She then informs me that there is a 'but'...

My heart is dropping...this is her first "boyfriend" why the hell is he not perfect?!

"He does schrooms and smokes pot"

As most my readers know I am 100% against ever doing drugs, I don't care if my friends do them but they aren't for me.

I am definitely shocked as my sister has the same outlook about drugs that I do

I ask how old this boy is....

15

I believe this is what scares me about having my own little brats, the dumb ones get the girls that are too good for them and ruin their lives so young.  

Not trying to be judgmental about the kid because he does these things, but at that age...you're being immature about it

I had to suck up my biased opinion and ask her if he was at least a good person...

she told me he was very funny, nice to her, writes nice things on her Facebook...

bloody hell

I hold back my tongue and just tell that is what is most important, as long as he treats her good as well as never asks her to partake in drugs then she is fine.

What the fuck is wrong with me

I can only think that is the best advice to give someone who is with their first boyfriend and also who it opening up to me about it. I would hate to tell her how I really feel and have her shut down and not tell me anything. 

right?


Seriously can't some nice guy write on my Facebook wall and tell me I am cute and hold my hand and just be smitten??

No. they normally want to grind their dick against my leg and ignite the sparks along my thigh. 

Can I turn back time and be 16??



Friday, March 15, 2013

Date me?

I was searching for a new book and i came across the best book i think that has ever been written

Notes to my Future Husband, A bitch's guide to Happily Ever After

I think I need this, as I am looking out for number 1 and trying to make sure that everything I do is only for me and my feelings. 

This is my world now

As much as I really wish I could be a huge bitch and really be mean to some idiots, I just smile and nod like an idiot until they go away or I make them so uncomfortable they think I have something seriously wrong with me


NOTES!!!


BACKRUBS OR BLOWJOB

I’m ridiculously good at both, but you can only pick one. Sorry, dude. You can’t have it all on the same day. That’s too much transcendent pleasure for one man to handle. I’ll spoil you, but I won’t spoil you rotten.
Terms of Endearment
If you insist on using them, please be creative. You should know better than to come at me with “sweetie pie” or “sugar plum.” 
I think “honey cunt” has a nice ring to it, don’t you?


Communication
Workday sexting can be a fun distraction from time to time, but please don’t send me pictures of your penis unless you’ve done something funny like put a happy face sticker on it.


Strippers

Going to a strip club is not an affair. You do not have to call me to check in. Have fun!


Friendships

Keep your douchelord friends, hang out with them often. Know I am buying shoes when you are on weekend trips.

I think this book has every qualification I could bring to a relationship. I love when men and women actually have their own lives. You can do whatever the f&^% you want when you want. What is a relationship when someone is constantly having to hang around you all the time. Trust, right?

Don't get me wrong I am waiting for someone I can take care of, snuggle up to every night, make them feel like a real man.

But I 100% believe in the feed him, fuck him, favor him. If you gotta do some things that possibly are out of your "comfort zone" guys like that! You have to be into the kinkery fuckery now! Did you not learn anything from 50 shades?! 

Definite rules on how to get and keep a man. 

The end.







Thursday, March 14, 2013

C-o-l-l-e-g-e...dreadful words

I am not one to bash on other for gaining an education, I tried the college thing for a few years and it just wasn't for me. 

I have always had that thought in my head that whatever job you want, you can have because it is all on who you know. 

well I don't know any people that will just pay me to do their shopping but i get to keep half for myself, I don't know anyone who will pay me to get out of bed and actually get ready on days that I just want to sleep and die. 

I don't know anyone to pay me to get on the internet and just people stalk for hours at a time.

I wish someone would pay me to be able to give everyone my 2 cents whether they like it or not. 

So..there is a few examples that I want to be paid for nonsense crap. I want to wake up and just have a $20 in my face as a gratitude that I am blessing the world with my presence

very conceited?

But on this rant I have decided to go back to school. I know 24 is nowhere near old...but I feel as if everyone at the college I have picked is just out of high school, they are doing running start, and I am there like "ya bitches I already did this once and had a career, now starting over, you ain't got nothing on me" 

of course I would never say that, I just smile and tell everyone I am 20...and a half. 

no you're not

shut up.


How to decide on a career though? i look at what my friends do...

I don't want what any of them do

Can I just get married have a few babies and stay at home all day doing whatever I want?!?!!
taking care of my husband and kids of course. With some vino close by 

I have taken practically all of my pre-reqs. So I don't think it will take that long before someone starts beating me over the skull telling me to figure out what to make of myself

Is Pinterest hiring?

I could work that job like no other! 

"Taylor, we need you to pin 50,000 pairs of shoes that you think people would want"


Then of course I get comped half or more for my excellent work.


What about sex toys?? there is nothing i love more than hearing peoples horrifying stories about what they used or tried and it didn't work out. 

Everyone is trying to be Ana and Christian aren't they??

Can't say I am not on this band wagon...

I could see the shit out of those. I would be upfront and honest. How tight do you need the cuffs, how wide should you set a spreader bar, do you need a Dolphin? A butterfly? or a Rabbit?


ok ok..getting a little too into detail, I would love to hear people's dirty little secrets though.


I could sell people my fashion advice. 

DON'T BUY UGLY SHIT!!!


I am venturing out there to figure out what I need to do so I can tell people how important I am. 

not conceited

I am looking for what speaks to me, what would hold my attention for longer than a few years. I need something that will constantly change, I clearly can't do the same thing long. 

Source: 9gag.com via Taylor on Pinterest

What is in store for this bitch?!


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Getting older, getting hotter, but not getting any luckier

Hello Ladies!!!!

Nothing warms my heart more than knowing I have been missed! Thank you ladies for the emails, comments on my instagram and Twitter. I haven't blogged in over 2 months because i wasn't feeling "inspired" 

I can't blog about my workout progress, as I am naturally skinny and I can seriously lose 5lbs in a week and still eat gummy bears for breakfast. Sorry i'm not sorry


I can't blog about fashion sense because my ass and tits literally hang out of everything cute and I don't think that is counted as "fashionable"

But....

the one thing about being a divorcee' with no children, no money, and no responsibilities is the 

Dating life.

Now a few months ago I wrote about how I met this amazing guy on New Years and how I was actually going to wait for him to get off the fishing boat..blah blah blah. 

Well, I did wait. I went for 2 f$%#ing miserable months without sex, without tongue exercises, without being touched by anyone. 

My own living hell.

I should have taken stock out in energizer. No wonder their mascot is a rabbit.

He comes back from Alaska and I am thinking there will be this spark and have this perfect relationship since I was with my ugly ass husband. 

Yes,...I thought my husband was not very attractive. He treated me good for a while and that's why I liked him, but I seriously gave myself the shaft by marrying him.

So, I feel like I have this catch.

Wrong. 

This guy comes to The Ram...right. The Ram just a steakhouse and brewery, a few of my friends are there, a few of his friends are there, we are drinking, boozing, having a few laughs. The bill comes later in the night, he picks it up like a gentleman. I am thinking to myself how this is quite the catch, paying for my friends drinks and food, very sweet.

Well the bill was about $156, I am thinking not bad for 6 people...

He announces, "Oh wow it's only $156 bucks, I was planning on spending $1000 tonight."

seriously. 

Who the f$%^ says that! 

I ended up having to see him again because he left some things in my car, the entire time all he did was talk about how much things cost and how this is ONLY $500 and this is ONLY $200...well I am sorry baby but I am ONLY into dating a real man. 

I kicked him to the curb...

More like stopped answering his texts and calls. 

I'm a classy bitch.


Now for this other potential boyfriend...

ya, so what I like dating around, whatever whatever I do what I want

guy number 2...

Where to even begin, I am smitten yet again. But I overanalyze everything. I am a fricken psychopath and think if they don't text me back in a certain amount of time I am not good enough. If I don't act a certain way they will lose interest. I have to be completely perfect, always fun, always entertaining, or he will not like me.

How old am I?? 16?? 

But this is how I get when I really like someone. But we aren't a "couple" so I feel like I am not allowed to voice any of these feelings for fear he will think I am crazy.

I am 100% myself around him 80% o the time, but there is the 20% where I am thinking what can I do to make him like me more. 

I am getting asked out on dates at work by guys who are...lets say on a scale of 1-10 they are around a 5. 

I can act completely fine, because not trying to sound big headed I know I am better than they are. I feel like I can be cute and sexy because they will never have a chance with me.

Is that mean?

My mom has said always look our for number 1. I am trying to keep myself out there, but this number 2 guy is turning my world upside down and I feel like I am getting mind-fucked! 

Does he want to be with me exclusively or this just a fun time I get to have until the next best thing comes around

My girlfriend told me to be celibate for a year.

F that. 

I am trying to be sexy, I am working out like crazy, I am having fun, but there is that part that never feels good enough. Is this just being a crazy ass woman?!