Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Stepping outside and breathing

I feel like I have hit a mini mid life breakdown. 

i am only 23 but it can happen right? 23 is MID twenties??

I have been put through the wringer at work! I work with people where everyone is out for themselves and could give a crap about the person next to them. I do what needs to be done I don't have the type of job to really "go the extra mile" but there haven't been complaints on what I do work wise.

The complaints are about me as a person

I am too friendly
hey I am really liking the new hair cut

I talk too much to coworkers about their personal life
oh how was your weekend?

I am too pretty
Not being big headed but I feel punished at work for being a good looking person

I worry too much about others well beings
To me: Mind your own business
when I am just trying to help or understand

I am too emotional
I want people to like me

I like to be fun and make people laugh
there is only room for seriousness

These are just a few of how I get made to feel in my place of work. I am not even kidding on the 'pretty' part. This is honestly where it hurts me the most. Working in a male dominant job has its ups and downs, but I get called to the front of the class because my looks are a 'distraction' my politeness and caring makes me a 'tease'  I shouldn't have a conversation with my co-workers because that leads them on thinking I want them in more than a 'co-worker' way

I was sabotaged at my job while on my honeymoon and come back to find out I got written up for 3 different incidents. Although no one has the balls to tell me when I did something wrong on the spot. 

Oh wait none of my write ups are for my work...they are all about me! 
Criticizing my positive attitude, I must be serious, live and breathe my job cough cough would rather poke my eye out with a sharp stick

My job unfortunately will pick people out that are different and then rummage through every little thing. I swear they would try and write me up for my heels being too high saying it was a safety issue!

I have come home everyday since my honeymoon in tears, waking up wanting to think of reasons not to step in my office. I make myself physically sick each morning trying to get out of things. 

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air. And remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be

Source: via Yvette on Pinterest

I am searching for who I want to be. Trying to find passions. I definitely need something new because I am gaining absolutely nothing from a job that puts limits on who I can and cannot talk to! 
What I can and cannot say being funny, quirky, outgoing. I am SHUT DOWN! I am suffocating 

I feel like I am starting out my marriage in a part of hell. No one wants a debbie downer but all I can do when I come home is bitch to Brandon about what I go through on a day to day basis. 

I feel watched

I feel stuck

I feel unimportant

I feel like I am failing.

I was following Shalyn and I saw her chalkboard wall and it definitely inspired me

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.

And the only way to do great work is to

Love what you do if you haven't found it yet, keep looking and Don't Settle!

As with all matters of the heart you will know when you find it.

Shay! This has helped me the last few days get through my days. I am searching for something new and trying to better my life. 

Basically I want to have some ideas I am really not sure what I want to be when I  'grow up'

what do you do? what made you want to do this? Are you truly happy?


Cate said...

my heart aches for you, Taylor. I was in that position when I was 23, just last year. I worked in sales as an insurance agent, and constantly felt like my best wasn't enough. These people wanted to turn me into a robot, so I was working 70+ hours a week to conform to them. My relationships with my family and friends fell apart, my engagement ended. I was spending every night crying and dreading our morning manager meetings.

One day, I had had enough. I had quietly been applying to other, more stable places, but hadn't heard anything. I walked in to my bosses office and quit on the spot. Walked out, and never looked back. I am so much happier now, and I can see how conforming my old workplace used to be.

No one deserves to be in a situation like yours. Get out. You'll find a new, better job. I did.

Praying for you!

(new follower!)

Whitney @ Everything Happens For a Reason said...

When I was in college, I worked a mental health care center in medical records. I always dressed nice, was nice to everyone, and some of the male therapists paid me extra attention. The office manager was a complete biotch. She called me a distraction, told me to wear different clothes, and even made me do tedious tasks away from my office to be away from everybody.

I also had another job, while in graduate school that was related to my degree. No matter what I did, it wasn't "good" enough. Everything was wrong. Each location always picked an employee to give a hard time, and usually it switched. Out of the 1.5 years I that I was there, it was me :( So, I quit.

I now work in a male-dominated field too. I'm probably one of the four females in my particular position, but still there are probably less than 10 females total. You have me curious to what you do for a living? :) I haven't had any bad experiences yet, and it has been my favorite job so far.

I do know how it feels though about being picked on at a job. IT SUCKS!! I felt the same way...trapped. :( If you ever need to talk, I'll be here!

Sheryl said...

Oh em Gee...
I feel so bad for you that you are going through this! I went through something similar at my last job, they even went as far as to tell me who I could and couldn't have lunch with when I was off the clock - but in TX small companies can do whatev they want to.
I started out as an Executive Assistant cause I love pencil skirt suits and high heels - solely chose this field so I could play Elle Woods. Eventually I found my way into the fun world of finance. I still get to wear what I want, and now am at a place that doesn't restrict me, all while putting my brain to work.

I feel for ya... It'll get better. I said a daily mantra in my head so I could make it through the day without letting them know things got to me until I finally got out of there.

(new follower)

Cara said...

I know exactly how you are feeling. My last job (this new one is amazing) was like that. Such a manipulative, dominating environment- basically a puppy mill for college kids. It was horrible and I would come home and be so depressed and cry and cry. I was too scared to leave but when I finally did, my whole perspective changed and then I was mad at myself for not looking for a new job sooner because there are better jobs out there. Just keep your head up and don't let other peoples' insecurities and jealousies get you down and ruin your day.

Ash said...

oh my sweet, loveable, ridiculous friend- you are going through a quarter life crisis!!! i went through one at 24-25.. because life swears you're supposed to have your shit figured out already, but really? that aint going to happen! i'm 27 now and FINALLY feel like i've figured out what i want to do: be a health coach! so i'm getting my masters/phd in holistic nutrition (solely online, which is tough to do), and i'm beginning a program at my gym where i can essentially become a trainer without being nationally certified (: in the long run, i'd love to be able to go into people's homes, look at their kitchens, clean that shit out, and get them on a a healthy and happy track (:

i'm really very sorry about your work situation. how the hell can you be written up when YOU AREN'T EVEN THERE?!?! is it wrong for me to ask you what you do? so i can scorn that industry forever for picking on a bad-ass, positively humorous, and damn fine sexy woman (;

i think the trick is, you have to REALLY look at your life, your interests, and figure out what crazy job you can do where it isn't a job, because it involves things you love. for me, i've been a vegetarian basically my whole life.... and one day it just clicked: hey girl, you like food, you love talking about food, you actually semi KNOW something about food... perhaps you should go into food? and so here i am.

it's tough, finding yourself, figuring it all out- i think because you put more pressure on yourself than anyone else does. but you are doing okay, my friend. 23?! you have some time to figure it all out. right now though, you need to leave this shit-hole. i can't even comprehend someone writing you up for being positive...? talk about soul sucking.

oh.. and yes this career path has definitely made me happy (: i've received several emails from my blog readers regarding juice fasting, health, food, diets, etc. and i LOVE IT!

you'll find your way... i promise (: in the meantime, why don't you go snuggle that hottie husband of yours....

and by snuggle, i obviously mean..... (;

(sorry for the long post.. i just felt like i have been where you are.. you'll figure it out)

elizalouise.bell said...

Keep your head up, girlie. I understand what is going on. I cry myself to sleep and all the way to work everyday. I HATE my job. HATE it. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? That's at least what I tell myself.

It has to get better.


Alyssa said...

Ohhhh how I can relate to this! Do you feel like it's making you lose who you are a little bit because you can't be yourself? Because I've been feeling like that a little too lately. And it SUCKS!

You can't help the way you look and you shouldn't be punished for being a beautiful woman. It amazes me how cruel people can be. And it's awful that you're told you're too friendly. Would they rather you be a bitch? Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ridiculous.

Nikki said...

Girly girly girly I feel for ya! I am a longshoreman and work in a prodomently male industry as well and get shot down ALL.THE.TIME. Seriously the only reason I still have my job is because my pay is amazing as are my benefits. I know it sucks when people come after you as a person it has happened to me and it happens to me all the time at work. I lost weight I got made fun of. I was fat I got made fun of. I started teaching a group fitness class I got made fun of. I shit in the toilet I get made fun of. I DESPISE going to work on a daily basis. I used to wrok from 6am till midnight and I have since cut my hours to 6am till 5pm just so i can get the fuck outta that hell hole and find myself with some time for me. I have also adapted the go to work to get a paycheck attitude. I tend to go to work bring something to keep myself busy while I am doing my job which btw a monkey can do and come 4:45 I peace outta that shit hole with a smile on my face. Someone wants to rain on my parade go ahead I will still sit here with a smile on my face knowing that my life is THAT much better than yours ya know? I have a lot of guys who play the oh woe is me card at work and I cant help but laugh at them to myself bc they think by making fun of me they are making their life better. GA HEAD JERK OFF in the long run I am the better person because I have learned to let it go in one ear and out the other. Dont get me wrong I have days where I wanna punch someone in the face or gauge their eyes out with a dull butter knife but I keep it to myself because its just not worth it to play into their shit. I get crude comments said to me which has lead me to wear sweats to work now because I just dont want to hear their dum sexist remarks.

Keep your head up! If ya need to vent I am here for ya!

ps. sorry this was so long!

pps. YOU my friend are BEAUTIFUL dont let anyone tell you different.

Holly said...

Taylor you are soooo beautiful and have soo much to offer at any workplace. F them and there shitty attitudes on life!

Chin up my friend!

Anonymous said...

You definitely deserve a job where you can be you. It is positively ridiculous that they put you down because you are too pretty, too funny, and too nice. You know what, f em. They don't deserve to have you around.
I hope that you find a job that you deserve, and soon! You will be so much happier getting out of that shit hole.

Lizzy said...

If they say you are too pretty, start wearing turtle necks and baggy pants that don't show off your butt. Men these days look for any excuses to make women feel horrible! That shouldn't be happening in your workplace at all! You are amazing no matter how you look! Don't let men who probably never get laid bring you down!!

I'm not trying to sound like a bitch or say the men are right because they aren't. You should be able to dress professionally without being told you look too pretty! You also shouldn't get in trouble for asking someone how their weekend was. It's just friendly small talk!

Georgina Castellucci said...

I found you from your sisters blog and it makes me so sad to see someone so young, POSITIVE and just seemingly (I only say seemingly because I have never met you) amazing be pushed down so much.

People. Suck. I am so happy to hear that you are looking for something new - you will be infinitely more happy. You deserve to be able to at least tolerate your coworkers and not feel so judged or like you have to walk on eggshells.

Sometimes the blogging community can help, give ideas or just inspire you. I've definitely been there and the best thing I did was finally leave. It's hard and a bit daunting but you will look back on this time and be so grateful for how far you've come.

xo Your newest follower, Georgina

Tiff said...

Life is too short to be miserable in the place where you spend the majority of your waking hours. What do you LOVE to do? Can you make your passion a career? In the mean time, start looking for a position with a different company!